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An alternative to moving to Canada
Nov. 3rd, 2004 05:05 pmAmerican Coastopia!
11/3/04
Ladies and gentlemen, you needn't fret anymore. We have decided that we
can't live in the United States anymore, because so many of you in the
"heartland" are so full of shit. We were all going to move to various other
countries, but then we thought - why should WE move?
We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will determine
if it is safe for us to cross the Brooklyn Bridge. We are sick of
homophobic knuckle-draggers in Wyoming contributing to the national debate
on our gay marriages. So we have done the only thing we could. We seceded.
May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.
That's right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon and
California are joining us on one coast, and we will provide all of New
England. In the middle of the country, we have taken Iowa and Illinois,
mostly because we need the fine produce of Iowa's soil, and the museums in
Chicago are fabulous.
The other dot is New Orleans, which you don't deserve. American Coastopia
needs a place to gamble, and the locals want nothing to do with you. Sure,
you can visit, but it isn't part of your country anymore.
I can sense your worry. Who will get all the banks? You can fucking have
most of them, because we're taking downtown and midtown Manhattan back,
turning the whole thing into a giant artist colony replete with movie
studios and progressive think tanks. Wall Street and other financial
institutions will be relocated to Charlotte, which we believe will suit
your needs better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are sick of being a
terrorist target for your benefit.
A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal in American
Coastopia, and homosexual men and women will be free to marry at their
discretion. We will have our own currency, and trade with any countries we
want. Everyone will have health care. Everyone will have an identity card.
Homelessness and unemployment will be virtually unknown. We believe in a
meritocracy and a huge chasm between church and state. 100% of our cars
will be hybrid by 2006.
Yes, we're taking all the people that ever created everything beautiful.
Yes, we're taking all the funny people, too. All the sculptors, architects,
surgeons, philosophers, violinists, and fishermen. You should have treated
them better when you had them.
We have no pledge of allegiance, but I can say this: I am no longer from
your United States of America. I belong to American Coastopia, the United
States of My Friends, the Nation of Two: my wife and I. We hold
our noses as we fly over you. We are sickened by the way you treat people
who are different from you. The rest of the world despises America, and we
don't want to be lumped in with you anymore.
Please, all of you who went to bed last night sick with worry, come to us.
In American Coastopia, the light is always on, the hazelnut lattés are
always hot, and we have a trundle bed for each and every one of you.
11/3/04
Ladies and gentlemen, you needn't fret anymore. We have decided that we
can't live in the United States anymore, because so many of you in the
"heartland" are so full of shit. We were all going to move to various other
countries, but then we thought - why should WE move?
We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will determine
if it is safe for us to cross the Brooklyn Bridge. We are sick of
homophobic knuckle-draggers in Wyoming contributing to the national debate
on our gay marriages. So we have done the only thing we could. We seceded.
May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.
That's right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon and
California are joining us on one coast, and we will provide all of New
England. In the middle of the country, we have taken Iowa and Illinois,
mostly because we need the fine produce of Iowa's soil, and the museums in
Chicago are fabulous.
The other dot is New Orleans, which you don't deserve. American Coastopia
needs a place to gamble, and the locals want nothing to do with you. Sure,
you can visit, but it isn't part of your country anymore.
I can sense your worry. Who will get all the banks? You can fucking have
most of them, because we're taking downtown and midtown Manhattan back,
turning the whole thing into a giant artist colony replete with movie
studios and progressive think tanks. Wall Street and other financial
institutions will be relocated to Charlotte, which we believe will suit
your needs better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are sick of being a
terrorist target for your benefit.
A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal in American
Coastopia, and homosexual men and women will be free to marry at their
discretion. We will have our own currency, and trade with any countries we
want. Everyone will have health care. Everyone will have an identity card.
Homelessness and unemployment will be virtually unknown. We believe in a
meritocracy and a huge chasm between church and state. 100% of our cars
will be hybrid by 2006.
Yes, we're taking all the people that ever created everything beautiful.
Yes, we're taking all the funny people, too. All the sculptors, architects,
surgeons, philosophers, violinists, and fishermen. You should have treated
them better when you had them.
We have no pledge of allegiance, but I can say this: I am no longer from
your United States of America. I belong to American Coastopia, the United
States of My Friends, the Nation of Two: my wife and I. We hold
our noses as we fly over you. We are sickened by the way you treat people
who are different from you. The rest of the world despises America, and we
don't want to be lumped in with you anymore.
Please, all of you who went to bed last night sick with worry, come to us.
In American Coastopia, the light is always on, the hazelnut lattés are
always hot, and we have a trundle bed for each and every one of you.
