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Do you know how annoying it gets when someone that I know is better than me at any single little thing that I enjoy doing? With chess, my brother and dad are a whole lot better at it than I am and it gets really annoying and makes me stop enjoying it when I lose every single fucking game. Then with juggling, my brother is better at juggling four balls, can do a lot more tricks, and can juggle three balls longer than I can. With fencing, I rarely win a bout and normally come in last or second to last in the tournaments. I know that I'm fencing people who have been taking fencing for longer, but still. Emily beats me and so do most of the other kids at our level. Then with drawing and writing, Elisabeth and everyone else are a whole helluva lot better than me. With math and science problems, my brother can not only come to the correct conclusions more often, he can come to the correct conclusions a lot faster than I can. With reading, mangas, books and fanfiction, basically everyone has read more of everything than I have, and nearly everyone remembers all the little details that I forget within a week, even if they haven't read the book/manga/fanfiction in almost a year. With piano and running, Katy is a lot better than I am. It sortof discourages me as all of my friends enjoy most of the same things that I do and yet they're better than me at almost everything. I know I'm better at math, science, fencing, piano, and chess than Elisabeth, but she's better than me and most of the rest of the world at writing and drawing. Everyone I know has something that they are better than everyone else at, but I don't. The basis of this rant came from me losing five stupid, long chess games with my dad in a row. I normally can't beat my brother and I know that, but usually, I can win 1/3 of the games against my dad. That still isn't that good, but my dad has talent and I feel good whenever I beat him. But when I lose every game against him that we play in three hours, it really makes me feel untalented and horrible at chess. I got to thinking about how long it had been since I beat anyone at anything... That was a long time ago. Almost a month ago, I managed to beat my brother at chess after we played four or five games. I don't think I've beaten anyone at anything since then. That's the problem with having friends, you are friends with people who enjoy the same things as you, so obviously some of them will be better at things than you.

I haven't really done anything this weekend. I've slept, eaten, played chess and that's about it. I have plenty of stuff I could/should be doing but I'm not doing any of it. My room's a mess, I have a three page essay to write and nearly 200 pages to read for english, I need to practice piano, and I have millions of books I've been wanting to read, but obviously, I'm staring at a computer screen. My mom found a rubix cube in my brother's room that I could be solving, but I've solved one of the sides and none of the rest. It's cold, but nice outside, so I could be out walking/running or playing outside, but no. I could be uploading the pictures I said I would almost three months ago, or drawing more, or taking pictures or anything. Obviously, I'm not doing any of these things.

I am so unmotivated. I never want to do anything and if there isn't any real reason for me to be doing it, I won't. I have slowly gone from bored, intelligent, good student and daughter, to an unmotivated, bored, horrible student and daughter. And this change has happened within the past two years. I've been bored in school since almost third grade and I haven't done anything about it. But I also continued trying and doing my work and being polite until I sortof gave up in the middle of seventh grade.

The only problem with a whole week in which I don't have anywhere I actually have to be is that I get to thinking way too much. And my mind always goes towards how horrible of a person I am and how my life is basically worthless. I always tell myself that that isn't true, but then my mind goes back to that after going around in circles for a while. When I actually have something I need to do, my mind goes around and around in circles about how much I don't want to do whatever, but now with nothing I actually need to do, it goes back to how I should/could be doing something, but I'm not. I'm going to go find something to do. I'll teach myself to knit or something, I don't know. I hope that everyone else is enjoying their vacation.